Peeling a Layer

Did you ever have one of those enlightened moments when you know God just revealed something about yourself to your own heart? And that it was extremely clear?

I was pondering what I call my “fear of intimacy.” I've wished I could change it, but it hangs on like a mole or skin tag.

I was thinking specifically about how it’s almost impossible for me to look into someone’s eyes while I’m speaking to them. I can look at a person while they’re talking to me, just not when I open my mouth to speak.

So I started talking to God about that problem (again…you see, He and I have talked about this before), trying to come to grips with it. Why is that a problem for me? Yes I know my history of spending the first 40 years in a mental fog, not being able to converse well because of that…well, maybe that IS the particular part of my history that has been the conditioning causing this problem.

But still…I now can carry on fairly normal conversations (as long no one expects me to sound too intelligent).

I’m not afraid of people, mostly.

As I was pondering, I was ready to accept this about me. My thinking was, I’m over 50, so the idea of changing a set behavior seems highly unlikely.

That’s when this clear revelation struck me – hard. It was as though Jesus himself was saying something like, if you give up, then you won’t be able to look in My eyes when we’re conversing, and see My love for you.

I was in my office and I didn’t change positions, but I felt my spirit fall to the floor, face down. I was humbled on a level I’ve not experienced before.

I felt tears form as I told my Lord, but I want to be able to look into Your eyes.

I put away the idea of no longer trying to make eye contact when talking.

Since that day, there have been a couple of moments while I was speaking that I felt God trying to help me put my eyes on the face of the person before me. I felt His presence. I felt encouraged.

I haven’t been real successful yet, but I’m thankful He hasn’t given up on me, hasn't stopped peeling the layers, like an onion, one by one.

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Matthew 9:21
“She said to herself, "If I only touch His cloak, I will be healed."

If I could only convince and inspire the young woman

I wish there was a Trader Joe’s store in my area!!                                                                   (photo not by me)

As I anticipate a second surgery this year, I now understand I have only myself to blame. Had I only known then what I know now, would things be different?

I didn’t become disciplined regarding food until I learned that what I was eating was damaging my intestines.

That became my motivator.

(Side note: It took a few years, but I finally stopped craving grilled cheese sandwiches. And I still occasionally eat a thin-crust Pizza Hut pizza, right after I swallow a handful of encapsulated enzymes. I barely notice a problem.)

So why is it my fault I’m having another surgery?

My first surgery was to repair – tack up – my bladder. It had prolapsed because of weakened vaginal walls.

So, of course, I researched…

There’s a reason, as a rule, that a woman finds herself with weakened walls. Just like there’s a reason for cancer, irritable bowel syndrome, allergies, eczema…

It didn’t just happen because I’m unlucky. There are three very real reasons.

Posturing, Diet and The Pill

You can learn a lot about avoiding surgeries or even living with this problem by visiting Christine Kent’s websites:

www.wholewoman.com

http://www.firstaidforprolapse.com/

I now have a prolapsed uterus, and my second surgery is for a hysterectomy in November. But I’m hoping that by following what I’m learning, I will avoid future female repair surgeries. I will 1) keep track of my hormone levels, 2) continue to eat nutritious foods, and 3) be intentional about proper posturing.

As a child and most of my adult life, a good posture meant very little to me. This was basically how I postured my  back and hips while sitting:

And when I grew up and wanted to try and look cool, I did what we were taught: suck in your gut, tuck in your hips, puff out your chest. Both are wrong for proper care of a woman’s body. Christine Kent does a very good job of explaining why that’s anatomically bad. [“…for women, it has the effect of profoundly destabilizing our pelvic organ support system.”   –C. Kent]

Then there’s the diet. I was a very picky eater. Every day in school I had a peanut butter sandwich and barbecue chips. I ate cocoa and toast for many a breakfast. For dinners I often ate meat, potatoes and either cooked green beans or corn. LOTS of sweets and sodas.

When I grew up and got married, we could afford very little and ate a lot of casseroles, and boxed cereals for breakfast.

Then there’s The Pill. I didn’t use it for a very long time in my life, but I did use it. Now I’ve learned that The Pill robs you of the hormones needed to build up and strengthen the vaginal walls.

I state all this in the hopes that any young woman will be interested enough to do herself a favor and dig deeper into choosing a healthier lifestyle. But keep this in mind…healthy eating goes way beyond what you learn in the mainstream media. There are way too many tales that start out, “I eat healthy and I still got cancer (or had a heart attack, etc.)…”

They got cancer because they’re following our culture’s understanding of eating healthy.

I recently noticed that a credible (in my opinion) website that I trust is offering a 12-week online class for just $10 that teaches what real food is and how to eat for health.  [http://www.cheeseslave.com/2010/08/31/take-the-quiz-are-you-a-real-food-rookie/]

Take time to learn. We honor God with our bodies when we eat nutritious foods. And I believe honoring God is worship.

Matthew 10:8

Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.