Peeling a Layer

Did you ever have one of those enlightened moments when you know God just revealed something about yourself to your own heart? And that it was extremely clear?

I was pondering what I call my “fear of intimacy.” I've wished I could change it, but it hangs on like a mole or skin tag.

I was thinking specifically about how it’s almost impossible for me to look into someone’s eyes while I’m speaking to them. I can look at a person while they’re talking to me, just not when I open my mouth to speak.

So I started talking to God about that problem (again…you see, He and I have talked about this before), trying to come to grips with it. Why is that a problem for me? Yes I know my history of spending the first 40 years in a mental fog, not being able to converse well because of that…well, maybe that IS the particular part of my history that has been the conditioning causing this problem.

But still…I now can carry on fairly normal conversations (as long no one expects me to sound too intelligent).

I’m not afraid of people, mostly.

As I was pondering, I was ready to accept this about me. My thinking was, I’m over 50, so the idea of changing a set behavior seems highly unlikely.

That’s when this clear revelation struck me – hard. It was as though Jesus himself was saying something like, if you give up, then you won’t be able to look in My eyes when we’re conversing, and see My love for you.

I was in my office and I didn’t change positions, but I felt my spirit fall to the floor, face down. I was humbled on a level I’ve not experienced before.

I felt tears form as I told my Lord, but I want to be able to look into Your eyes.

I put away the idea of no longer trying to make eye contact when talking.

Since that day, there have been a couple of moments while I was speaking that I felt God trying to help me put my eyes on the face of the person before me. I felt His presence. I felt encouraged.

I haven’t been real successful yet, but I’m thankful He hasn’t given up on me, hasn't stopped peeling the layers, like an onion, one by one.

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Matthew 9:21
“She said to herself, "If I only touch His cloak, I will be healed."